November 30, 2013
Dear children of Macon County (Region F389-N. Pole Nav. System),
We've received our first letter from this region! It came the very same day you all received my last message. We were so happy to see it that I'm going to copy it out for you here. It is a wonderful example for the rest of you to follow when you write your own:
I would like a pink flurry teddy from buld a bear whith Sleep Dream Love pj's and fuchia sequin jeans and a smart phone for it and a pink paw tracks player for it and a sequin fuchia back pack and a plush banana and please please please please give me magic to fly. I will not use it hear in school. I will just use it at home and granny's and maybe mema's please please.
Let us examine the structure of this letter. Why is it so very good? Well, 1. Lulu asks for a teddy bear, and she tells me exactly where I can find this teddy bear with all its accessories. 2. Lulu asks for a “plush banana.” This is very simple, but descriptive. She wants a banana. What kind of banana? A plush one. This allows me to give the elves specific instructions for the item: one plush banana. Heavy on the plush.
3. Lulu requests magic, so that she will be able to take to the air using laws other than those of ordinary aeronautics. She even gives the terms of her request: I will not use this power at school. Only at home, Granny's, and under some select circumstances, Mema's.
Well done, Lulu!
Unfortunately, we have never been able to fill orders for Flying Powers. It's a common misconception that because the reindeer can fly, we can reproduce Flying Powers for anyone who asks. I'm sorry to say this is not the case. The methods by which the reindeer fly are not yet recognized by the NPATC, (N. Pole Air Traffic Control), and can only be used even by the reindeer during the 12 Hours of Christmas Eve.
Moreover, we really couldn't afford the legal liability of handing powers like that around willy-nilly.
We've already taken a bad financial hit this year: most of our American offices have recently been required to expand health coverage for all employees, under some new law. (Something about including maternity coverage for men and prostate cancer tests for women?)
Now, I have a hard time keeping up with world politics—there are so many systems—but it seems to be something like what they have in Canada and the UK. And judging by the number of “please let daddy be next in line for dental surgery” requests that I get from Canadians, I can't say that I approve.
But I digress. Send us your letters, children! If you don't ask for it, how will I know to bring it? Email your letter to mctnews @civitasmedia.com, or bring it to the Macon County Times office at 200 Times Ave., Lafayette, and they'll send it straight to me.
S. Claus, Father Christmas, St. Nicholas, Sinterklaas, etc. etc.